Today I browsed around my email archives to see old twitter DMs from him that were still hanging around. My god, he was so incredibly sweet to me. I miss that beyond belief. This blog seems to show otherwise, but I'm not really the type to cry unless I'm angry. But I cried reading them.
Truthfully, I cried so much growing up over sad and terrible things, that I don't really have the urge to cry very much anymore. I've cried so much when it comes to him. I don't want to tell him that because I think it'd make him feel bad, but he's made me feel things I haven't felt in a long time. In the last few months, I've cried more over things relating to him than I have over anything else. Including cancer. In fact, I think I've only cried once over the cancer, and only for about two minutes.
I wish I could go back in time and relive the beginning of everything. When it all felt so good. I might change how things ended up, but I don't know. In a way, I'm glad that things are the way they are. I'd hate to have to put him through all of the cancer stuff. He is going through it, in a way, but not the same as if we were really together.
He did email me back after I sent that bitchy email. I felt bad after reading his reply because he really honestly is doing a lot of work right now and dealing with a justifiably suspicious wife who now works at home. My thoughts on his relationship haven't changed. I'm not sure that they will. I don't know how I feel about any of that right now. I do know that I still light up when I see his name in my inbox.
Love is such a powerful emotion.
8:58 p.m. - 2014-06-27