I feel like I have a lot to say today.
My marriage has been decent lately. I'm still taking care of household duties by myself, but I am no longer working much outside of home. Sometimes I'll help my husband with the business if I'm feeling nice. His attitude and behavior has been so much better over the last couple of weeks. I'm very thankful for that, but keep finding myself wondering how long it will last. That sounds so negative, but I can't help but think that it's just because of the cancer and the chemo. Will it wear off as the newness and scariness of this situation fades? Or will the bad parts creep back in once chemo is over and I'm feeling like my old self again? I just don't know, and it worries me. If he could stay like this forever and we could work on a more equal division of responsibilities, I think I could be happy again.
It's been 12 days since I started chemo. I still have hair, but I dread losing it, still. The side effects of chemo haven't been too horrible. Mostly annoyances at this point. I get headaches pretty frequently, about once or twice a day. Sometimes they're really bad to the point that I just want to be in bed in my dark, quiet room. Not quite migraine status, but getting close. I haven't had very much nausea, for which I'm very thankful. Most of the nausea happens within the same week as the actual chemo treatment. It's bearable with the meds they've prescribed. The biggest side effect I've noticed is that I'm so tired. All the time. Most days I want to sit around and do nothing. Some days I'm tired enough to nap, but not always. I had a huge burst of energy the other day, so I used it to deep clean most of my house. Ever since then, my body has been sore and I've been exhausted. This morning I felt ok, so I helped my husband work a little bit. I came home and napped, but I still feel like I could sleep for the rest of the day. I'm so tired, I went to run an errand in town, but once I got to risk I couldn't remember what I was there for. Which is sad, because town is only about four or five miles from my house. So far I'm pretty lucky, but I hear that it gets worse as time goes on and I have more treatments. Maybe that's part of why I'm feeling more upset at the thought of going in for my second treatment than I was about going in for the first.
After reading through old twitter DMs yesterday, my heart aches. Things definitely do not feel quite the same as they did during those days. That makes me so sad. I miss that feeling, like your heart is soaring. I wish I could know what he's feeling and thinking. If he still loves me like that. Or what if he's found someone else who makes him feel that way? God, that would be devastating. I don't even want to think of that. I wish this whole situation, my whole life, didn't feel so complicated.
12:36 p.m. - 2014-06-28