I'm feeling angry and hurt and frustrated this morning. Usually the best way to deal with it is to get it out. Here is what I wish I was brave enough to say. Maybe I will say it. I don't know. So here it goes.
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I can't do this anymore. I can't. Writing to you is almost like writing in my journal, for all the response I get. Call me crazy, but I think if someone really wants to talk to a person, they'll find or make time. I'm not asking for declarations of love. I'm not asking you to leave your wife. I'm not even asking you to pretend like you're going to leave her. We both know that isn't going to happen. At the end of the year, the time frame you decided upon, you'll say you've thought about it and things aren't perfect, but they're good, and you love her, and a divorce would be too much upheaval for your family. And that's fine. Totally reasonable. I get that. I'm not asking for anything big. I'm asking for you to be my FRIEND. I'm asking you to engage in simple fucking conversation with me because I desperately need to feel like I have a close friend to talk to. Maybe you don't even want that anymore. I don't fucking know, I can't get more than two sentences from you. Last time, ending things felt like ending my world. This time it feels like you're trying to fade out or push me away with silence. Well it's working. Not being able to set aside five minutes to type an email because you're "too busy" is kind of a piss poor excuse for someone who freely admits he lives most of his life in front of a computer. If you don't want to be my friend, if you can't handle it for whatever reason, that's fine. But I need you to tell me. I need to know exactly what the deal is so I can stop wasting my time and energy and emotions. I've got bigger shit going on now. I'm sure this will put you on the defensive. Fine. Defend yourself, but in the process, please make sure you are completely clear with what you want from me, because I am done playing this game. I will always have love for you, and I will always be around to be your friend, should you ever magically find the time, but I'm done begging for your attention. It makes me feel shitty and pathetic, and that's not what I need right now.
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So that's it. I don't think he still reads this. Maybe he does. Maybe within a day or two I'll actually send this. I don't know yet. But this is as true and as real as it gets, folks.
6:27 a.m. - 2014-06-23