I know I named my last two posts the same thing. I'm letting it stand.
Today I am lonely. He is struggling with depression right now. I understand. It happens to me a lot, too. I hope he can get to the doctor and get a new medication soon. I worry about him.
I get the impression that he didn't want to mention it to me because I'm dealing with a lot right now. So instead he has been keeping more to himself. It's not a burden to listen to the troubles of someone I love. To be a shoulder to lean on. But. Then again, he doesn't seem to like talking about negative emotions with me, ever, so. Yeah. I mean, it's fine. He doesn't owe it to me or anything. I'm not his wife. We aren't in a relationship. I just wish I could do something to help him.
Me? I'm ok, I guess. For today, anyways. Just trying to process everything that's going on. Trying not to feel so alone. I know I have a lot of people saying they're thinking of me and similar things. I do appreciate that. I just haven't felt very close to anyone lately. I hate to keep circling back to him, and I don't want him to feel guilt, because that's not what this is really about. But the way things felt between us before was so good. I don't know how to get to that place, or anywhere near it, with anybody else.
It doesn't have to be love. Just closeness. I haven't felt much of that with my husband in a long time. It doesn't help that he keeps having these outbursts of asshole attitude towards me. I don't know if he really can't understand or just doesn't want to understand that life is hard for me right now. I'm not trying to be dramatic when I say that, either. Shit is just hard, and I'm tired.
So. Uh. Maybe I'm not all that ok. But I'm trying to be. I'm pretending to be.
5:26 p.m. - 2014-05-09