You know how I said I'd be strong no matter what? It's exhausting. I'm tired of it.
I got news yesterday that wasn't terrible, but wasn't great either. Basically it boils down to them still not knowing if what is going on with me is really bad/cancer, it could come back/happen again at any time, and them questioning whether or not I should become pregnant.
I'm freaked out a little by all of this. They're working on deciding how often I should be monitored and have tests run, but it's likely I'll have to have some kind of test at least once or twice a year for the rest of forever. The baby thing is more complicated, and the thing I'm more worried about, truthfully. They're trying to decide if/when it should happen. Should they have me wait a year, or try right away, or even never at all. The whole thing will have to be carefully timed and closely monitored. I don't like having this dictated by a team of doctors. That's something that should be decided by the parent(s). I don't like that this luxury has been taken away from me. Especially because I've had so many doubts over the last few months.
Maybe it doesn't sound quite as bad as it feels. But it feels shitty. I am so tired of there always being something that I have to struggle through. I've had enough. I just want something in my life to be easy and painless. I've had to be strong for myself and for everybody else since my mom got really sick the first time. I was only eleven. Over half of my life. Strength seems to be a big part of my identity, but I wish it didn't have to be.
10:06 a.m. - 2014-05-08