I have thought about it a little less since surgery a few days ago, like I'd hoped. But I still think about it. I'm sure I always will. Or I will for a very long time, at least.
I'm feeling a little heartbroken over it right now. Lovesick. I want to email him. Tell him every bit of everything I've ever said here. It won't help anything. I'm not even sure what I want right now. To talk, yes. But to lead.... Where?
My husband has been so good to me over the last two weeks as I've struggled with stress and grief and now surgery recovery. And I've really enjoyed it, if I'm being honest. I hope it lasts.
This man has given his wife until the end of the year. Do I want to wait that long? What if there's a chance for some real and lasting happiness for my husband and me? What if there's a chance for me to finally have a baby? That's still something that's very important to me. Something I can't guarantee this man would even want, especially after another year goes by.
I still imagine him holding me. Kissing me. Waking up to him each morning and falling asleep in his arms each night. It still sounds like the most amazing thing in the world.
But I don't know if I can wait for that. If I can pass up the good things that are still possible for me in this life. I felt sure that I could before. But now. I don't know. A lot could happen by the end of the year.
Maybe it's stupid for me to still be so conflicted over this, but I can't make myself stop loving him. I can't erase the imagined future from my mind.
If only it was that easy.
8:49 p.m. - 2014-04-27