I both hate him and miss him beyond beliefs right now.
I wonder what happened. Did it just move too fast and he got scared? Afraid of change or taking a chance? I understand those things, I really do. I had fears and doubts, too.
It just hurts that so many promises were made. That I was worried about myself being too scared. That I didn't see it coming because he changed his mind so suddenly.
Not very much closure for me. Everything was just ripped away at once. I still have a long road of getting over it ahead of me.
I just wish I didn't feel like the bad guy here. Like it's entirely my fault this happened. It takes two, you know. And besides, he's the one who pursued me, for lack of a better word. I'm not some siren just luring men away from home or something.
He has this web address. I don't know if he reads this. I hope he does, in a way. I still want him to know what I'm thinking. That it isn't all hate.
Most of it is disappointment, in a big way. A lot of longing. A lot of left over love that I have no idea what to do with. A little jealousy, but mostly it's like twisting a knife in my heart each time I see her talk about him. I hate that I even look, but it's a sick need.
It just hurts.
2:54 a.m. - 2014-04-19