Well this has been a day. One big mind fuck of a day. I started off worrying that neither of us would be able to leave our spouses. I stressed about it all morning.
Later he comes online and says he ended his marriage, long story short, because she saw a message I sent. I felt terrible but so, SO relieved. Now all I needed to do was have my procedure and gather up the courage to leave within the next couple of months.
We talked on and off all day and it felt so good. He told me he was glad she saw my message, that it gave him the push he needed. He told me he was glad he wouldn't have to pretend with her anymore.
And now. Fucking now. Here I sit. Crying because he's taking her back, not even twelve hours later. This is my exact fear. What I've worried about this entire time. I've been gathering strength and courage, trying to come up with a plan for myself, and he can't let her go.
I can't blame him. I shouldn't. But I kind of do. What a fucking month it has been. Tells me he loves me, goes on a trip with her. Tells her it's over, takes her back the next morning. Tells me he doesn't want a baby, then might, then definitely doesn't, then maybe he does. Tells her it's over again, then turns right back around and gives it another chance.
I just. I hate to sound like a twenty-something here, but I literally cannot fucking even. I am so beyond hurt right now.
I will be honest, if not for him, I probably wouldn't have even started planning to leave. I'd have just stuck it out because it's simpler that way. Miserable, but safe.
I feel like such a silly, naive, way too trusting girl. I gave my heart away so easily, full of promise and hope and love, and now it feels like it's been ground into a fine powder.
We won't be talking anymore. Not for the foreseeable future. I can't do it. I can't allow my hopes to rise again. It hurts too much. As for my marriage, I don't know what I'll do. Suggest counseling, maybe. Maybe I'll have my baby after all, but my heart is still totally shattered right now.
11:50 p.m. - 2014-04-15