I broke my own heart today. That's what happens sometimes when you choose yourself over others. At least, it is for me. I just have that kind of luck.
I told him today, basically what I said here earlier. That I can't give up having a child, not until I know for sure whether it's possible for me to have one. I told him to think about it. He said he has been, and it isn't something he can do at this point in his life.
I understand that, and I expected his answer, but it ripped my heart right out of my chest to hear it. I spent a good portion of the day trying so hard not to cry. I work with my husband, and crying without being able to give any good explanation is just not an option.
I don't know what this means for us. I don't know how long it will take to find out if I can have a child. I don't even know exactly how he's feeling right now, beyond him telling me that his heart hurts. God, that tore me up for him to say that. I have never wanted to cause him any kind of pain, and I've already done exactly that in the short amount of time we've been in love.
I hate myself. My heart is shattered.
6:23 p.m. - 2014-04-07