You know when you're newly in love and it feels like the strongest emotion you've ever had in your entire life? Like you've never felt like that about anyone or anything and probably never will again. You love without hesitation and so completely, heart, mind, body, soul. And there's absolutely no way in hell that anyone else in the world has felt so strongly about another person.
That's me, right now.
He's older than me, by the way. Fifteen years. But it doesn't feel like it at all. We're so perfectly compatible, sometimes I wonder if we're secretly the same person, like maybe some weird cosmic thing where one of us is the us from a parallel universe or something. That's an exaggeration, but you get it.
The only significant difference lies in the desire for an infant. He has three children already, the youngest is nine. He has said that he never wanted to be "one of those old dads," but that it wasn't above discussing. I understand that, and would never ask him to do something so life changing if he didn't really want to.
But I want to. I want a baby of my own so desperately that it feels like a physical need. My heart aches for the child I haven't had yet, and may never have, if I'm being honest with myself. I have a feeling that, if he's anything like me, he wouldn't want to take that away from me.
And therein lies the problem. Should this end up so that we are together, do I ask him to do something he may not really want, or do I give up my lifelong desire for him? I really don't know if I can. I'm not sure this is something I could ever let go, and if I did manage to somehow be ok with it, I think it would still haunt me. I don't want to have to be sad about it when I'm eighty.
Seems like it always boils down to deciding whether to be selfish or selfless, and in this case I truly have no idea what I would choose.
5:11 a.m. - 2014-04-07