We've never met. I want you to know that. We know each other solely through the Internet. The most I will allow myself to say is that he is a writer, and I was, and still am, a fan. We don't even live in the same state.
He told me once when we were discussing our marriages that he and his wife hadn't had sex in nearly four months. He said it was because he didn't want to. I felt incredibly sad for them both. But now a sick part of me is dying to know whether that's a term of her Second Chance. It's twisted that I'm curious. I feel like maybe it could be part of the deal, and even though I feel so desperate to know, if the answer is yes, it will only hurt me. I would never ask him, anyways.
I find myself wondering often what exactly the terms of her Second Chance are. I hate that I wonder. It's not really any of my business, but at the same time it feels a bit like it is. I wonder if part of it is spending more time together, which leads me to wonder if he's being kind and sweet to her when he isn't busy being kind and sweet to me. Jealousy is an ugly emotion. It doesn't look good on anyone, and I hate having to be the one to wear it.
I broke down and told someone about this situation. I had to. I trust her completely, so I'm not worried about gossip or rumors. She asked me if I would really and truly leave my husband for him. I told her that I honestly don't know right now what will happen. I'm giving him time to try and change. I have no idea if he will. If he doesn't, I may have to leave eventually, even if that means being alone.
I've also considered that maybe we've made this connection because we haven't been getting everything we need in our marriages, and while neither of us may actually leave our spouse, maybe we're using each other as a balm until our marriages can heal. If this is the case, I don't believe either of us is doing it with bad intentions. Not for our spouses and not for each other. Although if this is the case, it will only end in heartbreak for both of us.
Whoever may read this, I want you to know that neither of us are bad people. Misguided, maybe. But not bad.
2:55 p.m. - 2014-04-04