I have never been the "other woman" before. I certainly had no intention of becoming one; I'm married, myself. But here I am.
It started out simply enough, as I'm sure these things always do. Just friendly little snippets and quick messages here and there. Neither of us seemed to be getting what we wanted or needed from our marriages. It was a common ground for us. He kept telling me how attractive I was.
I tried so hard to resist. I didn't want to be put into this kind of position. My marriage isn't exactly happy, but it's safe. I knew what would happen. I didn't want us to develop feelings for each other. But we did. And now I'm unsure if this is something I will regret later, or something that will turn out to be one of the best accidents in my life.
He went on a weekend trip with his wife, and when they returned home, he told her it was over. She went to stay with her mother. I felt so bad for her; it must have seemed like it came from nowhere. I'm not really sure now what my other feelings were. Certainly none of satisfaction. I won't say that I'm too good of a person for that -- I'm not. I just felt exceptionally guilty, even though he told me that it had been a long time coming and had very little to do with me.
The next morning I sent him a message that I was thinking of him. I didn't get a response until later that afternoon. He had taken her back and given her another chance. I wasn't surprised, I do think he's too good of a person to blindside someone like that. What did surprise me was how it made me feel: awful inside, physically ill.
I know that he would never put pressure on me to leave my husband. But what if I had? What if I do? Is he the kind of guy to continually promise to leave the wife and string me along? Worse, if he does leave her, am I the kind of woman to continually promise to leave my husband and string him along? I don't know the answer to either of those. This is exactly why I tried to resist his charm.
Today I went to view his wife's twitter profile. Actually, I do it often. A glutton for punishment, I suppose. She wrote a blog post today about how hard she's going to fight to keep him, how she knows that she belongs with him, how their relationship has always been so easy. Again, I was filled with a nauseating guilt and an appalling amount of jealousy. It's so difficult for someone to tell you how much they believe you were made for them and how they don't believe their marriage will work and how he's certain we'll be together one day, and then read something like that written by their current spouse.
It's hard because even though I'm also married, albeit not exactly happily, I do feel like being with him would be easy and natural. We're so alike that it's scary. I believe him when he says I seem to have been made for him. I don't know if that's folly and na�vet� on my part, or desperation to be loved and treated right, or hell, maybe it's true.
The smarter half of my brain is telling me to back off. Give both of our marriages a chance to be fixed without any outside forces tempting us to sabotage that chance. The lonely half is telling me to shut up and revel in the love and attention he's showering me with.
I know what I should do, but I'm weak. Weak after years of being little more than assistant and sex doll for a man that refuses to realize, even after being told repeatedly, that he isn't treating me well and that it's making me utterly unhappy.
I don't know where any of this will go, and it's worrisome and wonderful all at the same time.
7:34 p.m. - 2014-04-03