Ok, now that I've locked my diary, I can say whatever I want.
That guy I loved before? Yeah I'm almost over him. He's basically a kid in a lot of ways. Crazy sleep schedule, lives on bad food and redbull, stays on his computer 24/7. Granted, some of that time is for work, but the rest of the time he's gaming. I don't have a problem with gaming, I have a problem with the amount. If your idea of fun is to never leave the house and stare at a screen all day, then I won't be happy with you. Even if our personalities are really compatible. Plus, let's be real. He is so not leaving his wife. Not ever. I know that now. I've slowly been phasing out talking to him and I kind of feel like we're both probably a bit relieved. Although sometimes we each will turn to the other if we've had a bad day. Which isn't necessarily bad, but it isn't necessarily good either.
Things with my husband are crap. They're almost always crap. It's depressing. Tomorrow I turn 25. How do I hate my life so much at such a young age? That makes me feel even more awful. I'm slowly planning what I'll do if/when I leave. I am at a point where I know that if/when it happens, I'll be doing it for myself, not for anyone else. The more I think about it, the better it sounds. I want to be happy. I'm not happy here. I don't think things will change. I still hope, maybe naively, that they might, but I'm doubtful. If cancer hasn't opened his eyes any, I doubt anything will. This makes me sad. Nobody really wants their marriage to be this way and probably end, but sometimes it has to happen. My husband is my best friend in so many ways. He's been with me through a lot and he knows just how to make me laugh and we still enjoy doing things together at times, but overall the way I am treated is not good. We aren't equal partners in this relationship, and as I've gotten older I've learned that's something that's really important to me.
There's another guy, a twitter crush, that I like very much. He makes me feel so good, but I have a lot of guilt over this. I know that I tend to form attachments to people that are sometimes not appropriate. I know that I do it out of loneliness and a desire to feel like someone cares for me. If I were single, I don't think this would be as big of an issue. But I'm not. I like him a lot, and I'm pretty sure he at least likes me a little. I feel like I'm being so unfair to him. We chat quite a bit, and while I do love every minute of it, I worry that I'm taking up time that he could be using to form this sort of relationship with a girl he knows in his real life. Someone who is available who could make him happy. I want that for him, because he absolutely deserves that.
So. There's a lot of unresolved stuff and a lot of confusion for me. Just about the one thing in my life that is going according to any kind of plan is chemo. I'm halfway done. It was decided that I'd only need four cycles instead of six. I'll be very happy when it's over and I can start growing my hair back. I miss my hair.
10:51 p.m. - 2014-07-25