I've managed to remain calm throughout the last few days of very little contact. I've been distracting myself with other stuff. Housework and reading and hanging out with friends, mostly. When I have periods of downtime, when I would normally wish and wish and wish to hear from him, I remind myself that I need to chill out. That I can do this. That he's reassured me time and time again, and I need to trust that. That my existence and happiness does not depend on any one person except myself. It sounds dumb, but it really does help. In fact, I'll go a long time without wondering what he's doing right at that minute, and it keeps surprising me. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.
I am working on issues that I have. Mostly it involves a lot of thinking and a lot less doing. Well, a lot less doing before thinking about why and whether or not I really need to do it in the first place. Little by little, it will help. It's helping some already. I said before that I've known I've had things to work on in myself for a long while. That's true. I just never really cared to do it. I can honestly say that he is the only person I've met or been involved with that genuinely makes me want to be better than I am now, as a person. Whether things work out so that we end up together, or they work out so that we don't, it's still a good thing.
As for the "will we/won't we" thing, I'm not sure. Honestly, I'm kind of operating on the belief and assumption that he will remain married to his wife. Of course I'd love to be with him. Truly. But if it doesn't happen (and I hate to say it this way, but I don't know how else to say it) then that would be fine. Maybe heartbreaking, but ultimately I would survive. It's easier for me to assume that we won't, even if I hope we do, because it gives me more of a chance to let my marriage play out as it will. Which isn't seeming so great right now, but you never know. I'd like to know how things are going for him, partly because I'm really nosy, but mostly because I like knowing about his life in the same way I like knowing about all of my close friends' lives. I also miss being able to have easygoing conversations about how our days went. Maybe we'll get back to that at some point. I hope so.
I'm having my port placed tomorrow, and I felt pretty ok about it until they called to move the procedure time up nearly two hours. Then I had an anxiety attack and needed an ativan. People keep telling me how well I'm taking this and how brave or strong I am. I'm really not. The anxiety over it all, the anger, the fear. It's all there, just carefully hidden when I'm out in public. Dealing with so much crap at home as a kid, you learn early on how to wear a mask when you're around others. It's not necessarily to shut everyone out, but it's tiresome always having people ask you what's wrong or if you're ok, when everything is wrong and you are definitely not ok. And you learn the best way to avoid that is to act like you're fine. Sad, but true.
5:40 p.m. - 2014-06-10