Sometimes I'm ashamed of my behavior. And then sometimes I'm not. But, in the words of the essay that got my mom into advanced classes, "I am who I am, and that is who I shall be." Plain and simple.
I wish I was at the point where I knew exactly who I am and who I'm supposed to be. Maybe that's what you sacrifice when you get married so young. Self discovery. It was easy for me to believe that I already knew after a life of hardship and adversity. But the more I examine my life, the more I realize I'm still very lost. I've had a lot of life experience, and I've gained a lot of wisdom for someone of my age, but it's hard to ignore this feeling of settling and drifting through life with no real sense of fulfillment, and very little happiness. I mean, it must say something about my life that the one thing that makes me happy on a regular basis is a married man that lives halfway across the country from me.
I'm trying my very best to handle everything life is throwing at me, but I'm not always graceful or ladylike. Well... Maybe I'm never either of those things. That's not my point. My point is that it's hard. It's a daily struggle. I'm doing the best I can, and maybe my best isn't exactly what people expect of me, but I've lived ninety percent of my life for other people and their expectations and I'm tired of it.
10:28 p.m. - 2014-05-30