And so begins his two weeks of visitors. I miss him already! I'll live. He's doing what he should be doing. Family stuff.
Anyways. I've been touching my hair all day today. I'm going to miss it. You do generally lose your hair with BEP/PEB chemo. I'll be doing that and another newer form, but I can't remember what the newer one is called. It's only been in use for about five years.
I hate thinking about how awful I'm going to feel. Because let's face it, it's going to be really terrible. I'll be tired and nauseous, possibly in pain. I wish that I didn't have to do this, but if it will help prevent this mess from returning, then it's probably for the best.
I hate to say it this way, but I don't know how else to put it. But I'm glad that this isn't his financial or daily burden. He said I'm never a burden to him, but cancer and chemo is hard on everyone. He gets the emotional aspect of it, and I feel bad enough that he stresses and worries about me. I'd hate for this to be something he had to pay for or deal with a sick partner every single day for months. I'm glad that he's spared that, at least.
Though at the same time, I really wish he could be here by my side, physically, in person. I know my husband runs a business and it would cost about $1000 per week that we don't have to get someone to run it for him. So I can't fully fault him, but I know it will suck so much to spend so many days at the hospital alone. Obviously I can't expect someone to come across the country for me, but I still wish it was a possibility. But he has promised me a phone call, and I'll be happy with that.
I feel even less certain about what will happen with my current relationship than I did before. Suppose I did decide to leave. How would you leave someone who stuck by your side through cancer and chemo? It seems almost heartless. Although to be honest, I'm having a hard time seeing him ever leaving his wife either, so. Yeah. But that kind of thinking is way ahead of where we all actually are, and it won't do me any good to dwell. I do dwell, but I try not to.
Life is weird.
9:51 p.m. - 2014-05-23