I don't remember if I've gone into a lot of detail regarding my medical stuff here, but basically I'm waiting for my oncologist to tell me if it would be better to wait to have a baby, if ever. My husband and I have decided that unless they say it's now or never, we're waiting.
I'm very relieved. We both kind of decided it independently, and I think we were both a little scared to talk to the other about it. It's been a common goal for so many years. I'm not sure of his motives, but my main two are that I really want to feel normal for a while, and I want to see how our relationship will go. I've had so many doubts. Not just over the last two months, but for several months before that as well.
Things haven't been terrible between us lately, but there are some things that are hard to ignore. Honestly, all he's done since my surgery is work. He hasn't helped around the house. Didn't bother to take care of me in any way at all. He's been pushing me to the limit of what I can do during recovery. It's so weird and complicated, because I feel grateful that he's put up with my shit and been by my side through so much over the last six years, and I do love him, but I hate the way he acts and treats me so often. I've tried talking to him calmly and rationally, asking what I can do, telling him what I need from him, and he gets so offended and nothing ever really changes, and then I'm miserable. But then we'll have a lot of good days in a row where we make each other laugh and enjoy hanging out.
I just don't even know anymore what I'm supposed to do or how marriage is supposed to be or anything.
7:49 a.m. - 2014-05-19