Choosing between food and sanity is maybe a more difficult decision than it should be. I'm on two medications, Prozac and Dostinex. Prozac + Dostinex = I don't eat. I can't. I don't feel hungry, I'm not interested in even the thought of food, and forcing myself to eat anything leads to a lot of gagging. I can't even bring myself to finish a cup of coffee. The problem is that I've lost about twenty pounds in a very short amount of time. I look great, but that's so dangerous.
I had to make a choice. The Dostinex is for a small tumor in my brain, so I really need to continue taking that. I know you aren't supposed to stop most antidepressants suddenly, but I needed to eat. Badly. It's kind of important to eat regularly. So I've taken about a week off of Prozac. I've HAD to. In the last few days I've been able to eat, sometimes multiple times a day, and I enjoyed the food.
Unfortunately, I'm starting to feel it. Headaches and trouble sleeping are the worst two. Prozac really helps calm my brain and keep it quiet at important times. Like when I want to sleep. Before I started Prozac, I had so much trouble sleeping at night. Mostly I'd lie awake, my mind racing, often with repetitive thoughts. I'd end up a zombie at work all day, then pass out for a few hours when I got home. It's annoying when your brain is saying "shut up, shut up, shut up," over and over, but it's saying it to itself, and itself is a fucking horrible listener. 2009, '10, and '11 were very long, very terrible years full of exactly that. Last night wasn't nearly as bad, but it was reminiscent of how I used to be. On top of that, I had a couple of random itchy spots, and then the more I thought of it, the more I got itchy all over. That makes me sound super crazy. I don't like that. Plus I am SO MOODY this week. So moody. It's awful.
So today I am back on the 'zac. I have two weeks left of Dostinex, but I can't be crazy for two more weeks. I just can't. I don't know what to do about the eating situation except try to force my way through it and hope I don't end up blowing away in the breeze or something. Medications are stupid. Mental illness is stupid. Tumors are stupid. I hate all of it.
9:50 a.m. - 2014-05-16