I'm trying to find balance. Be friendly and flirty, or sexual, but casual. Not extremely emotionally involved. That's hard, because I am still very much emotionally involved. I also don't want to be overly sexual. I like when talk turns that way, to an extent. But after a while it leaves me feeling a little sad and empty. I could do that with anybody if I wanted to. It feels too detached without the declarations of love that used to go along with it. Like a shitty one night stand. I hate that feeling. I don't want that feeling to be because of him. I know he isn't doing it on purpose, and I do like the sexy chats, just not all the time. Truth is though, I'll take him any way I can get him. It sucks to not have him around.
I try not to talk to him too much. I know he both wants and needs space. But I also know how easy it is for us to not give each other space, if that makes sense. It's just easy to fall into old patterns, I guess. I don't know how to say this without it coming off as really negative, just know that I don't mean it that way. But I've been trying to distance myself from thoughts of a future together. It's not that I don't want it. I do. I really, really do. It's just that each day it feels like less of a possibility. Like we're both settled. I know a lot can happen in the next few months. This is me feeling hopeless, though. I think that's the best word for it.
I do think about it, but I try not to. It makes me sad.
11:55 p.m. - 2014-05-05