I have to fight myself every single day to not email him. I want to demand an apology. Or something. I don't even really know. Maybe I just want to hear from him.
But I got good advice from a friend: don't reach out, that way if he does, you know it's because he wants to and not because he feels obligated to respond. She also said that it's possible he doesn't want to right now because maybe he's vulnerable, too.
Maybe he is. It's crossed my mind. I think I might actually just want to know that this is even half as hard for him as it is for me. I want to know if what he said he felt was real at all. If I'm a regret or not. Everything I ever said to him was true and real. I wouldn't say he is a regret for me, but I do wish I could wipe my memory clean only to escape the hurt.
The first couple of days I held myself together really well. The last couple of days have been harder. I've openly cried much more than I care to admit. I've had to tell my husband it's because of surgery stress and fears. And partly it is. But I think mostly it's this.
I've dealt with and been through a lot of bad shit in my life, and I can't recall a time when I've ever felt this badly because of another person's actions and choices.
I know it hasn't even been a full week. Call me weak. Judge me. I don't care. It was short and beautiful and intense. And while I really do get closer each day to acceptance, I frequently have these "why me" moments.
I really hope that after surgery I can try to focus on healing my body, mind, and heart and stop thinking about this for a little while. I need to take care of me. That's never been something I'm good at. It will be a learning experience, with learning to let go being maybe the biggest lesson for me.
Wish me luck.
10:05 p.m. - 2014-04-20