Today, from what felt a bit like out of nowhere, he told me he's seriously reconsidering the baby thing, because he can't imagine a life without me. Shit just got real. Realer.
Of course I'm happy that he's still thinking about it. I told him to take his time, really think and make sure he's really really sure about whatever he decides. But, man. I'm a little freaked out, too. It's still so early. We're only really a month or so into serious type talking. There's still so much that I'm unsure of.
My husband isn't the greatest, but I've said before that leaving sounds totally scary. We have a long history together, and not just one that is all about us as a couple. I held him today and looked at his face and into his eyes, and I know I still love him. Leaving would have to come from me finally being seriously fed up. That doesn't necessarily mean I'll have stopped loving him, though.
I'm also really scared that this man has put me on some kind of Perfect Woman pedestal, and I am so far from that, it isn't even funny. What if we meet and I'm a total disappointment? What if, despite how well we may get along now, we get into a relationship and then decide it isn't working? What if his kids hate me?
I feel like I'm trying to let my fears and doubts talk me out of what could be a great thing, but I'm not trying to. I'm naturally a worrier. And I still really think this is totally reasonable to be worried about. Please forgive me if I freak out about this for a few days.
8:18 p.m. - 2014-04-10