He's having company for two weeks straight soon. I should not care about this, but I do. I feel so needy and it's fucking awful.
Let me explain. And this will sound so, so lame and juvenile, and yes, needy, but I don't care. I feel it and I need to put it somewhere.
Anyways. This is a confusing time. I know that I should leave him alone so that he can try to work on his marriage. That's basically what he said he wanted. I know he said we could be friends, and I know I said I was capable of that, but I'm not. He still frequently says he loves me, so maybe he can't figure out how to be friends either. This would be fine if I didn't have to feel guilty for not letting him move on for now.
Because really, I'm not letting him move on. I keep talking to him and trying to engage him because honestly I have no idea how, and really no desire to make myself stop. I'm sure I have the willpower, I just can't bring myself to do it. I know he keeps saying he's busy, and that's fine and normal and expected. I mean, he's someone else's husband. He has a family and a job. I can't expect him to always make time for me, a married girl he only knows online. But the problem is that I really want him to.
Telling someone you've been busy is really just another way of saying you don't have/can't/won't make time for them, for whatever reason. That doesn't have to be in a mean way at all, it's just a truth. Being busy is a good way to put distance between yourself and other people. All this being busy and then two weeks of visitors. Two weeks of probably talking even less than we do now. Sounds like a really good way to try to let things taper off without having to say again that things are really over.
I know. I know how this post sounds. I'm not asking for reassurance or explanations, this is just me getting feelings and insecurities out. I'm not going to say that I would understand if this is what's going on. Ok, I would, but it will suck and I'll hurt. I think the reason I feel this way is because he never used to be too busy for me. I understand that it's a little less easy now after being caught, but it's not like it's difficult, either. Not with 100% of our interaction being online.
I don't want to feel this way at all. I hate it. It is totally needy and insecure and if I could turn off emotions for a little while, I would. No question. I asked myself yesterday if I would change anything if I could do this all over again. I couldn't decide if I'd even want to do it all over again at all. Like I said yesterday, so very many highs and lows. And the lows have been so very bad.
I do miss him. So much.
5:52 a.m. - 2014-05-15