I'm having a bad day. I tried to do way too much yesterday, only one week post op. I'm drained and exhausted today to the point where sitting upright on the couch feels like too much effort. That has me feeling so down and depressed, even though I've been better about taking my Prozac. Being unhappy makes me miss him more than usual. He always makes me feel good. And then thinking about him inevitably leads to me being sad, so it's just a vicious, endless loop. Thankfully it isn't one I'm stuck in every single day, like at first. But it's still hard to deal with.
I think that maybe my previous posts have been a little misleading. I wasn't only going to leave my husband specifically for him. I've been considering it for a while as I've seen no improvement in how my husband acts. I've stayed because it's safe and easier than the alternative. I know that's not really a good reason to stay, necessarily, but it is what it is. Falling in love, forming a plan, that was like a little push to do what I'd already been thinking of doing. Maybe ending one relationship just to dive right into another isn't the best plan, but it felt good knowing that I'd have someone who would be there for me.
As for my husband, I don't know. Things are going ok for now. He's still kind of insensitive, but I don't think that's something that will ever change. He has taken on a bit more responsibility, because he's had to. I don't know if that will last. I suspect not, but I'm trying to hope that it will.
That's really been my biggest issue. He's not very responsible. And maybe it's my fault a little because I allow it, but I don't know what else to do. I've tried going on strike, doing nothing to see what he does. He still does nothing. And then I have a huge amount of stuff to do that's built up over however many days.
Responsibility is something I worry a lot about. I want a child. I fear that if I were to have a child, I'd be stuck doing everything I do now, plus caring for an infant, essentially on my own. While I'm sure I would absolutely adore the child, I think I would totally resent my husband. I don't want that. I have some of those type of feelings now, and it sucks.
There was a time when I wanted a child because I wanted us to be parents, together. I wanted to create something that was wholly ours. I wanted him to be a dad. Now? I don't know. I want a child, but it feels more like I just want it for myself than for him. And that makes me sad.
I don't know what to do about any of this. I don't know if he can or will change, or how to at least convince him that he needs to try. Talking to him about it doesn't seem to help for long. It's a discussion I have to have with him several times a year.
I'm still going to hope for lasting change as much as I can while also doubting it will happen. I'm going to try to be happy and to figure out what I want from this marriage. It was good to get this worry out. It's something I think about a lot.
12:59 p.m. - 2014-05-02